Greetings From Wildwood, NJ: A Shoretalken.com Video Postcard

The Tipline Is OPEN!

Put a Spork in It

Dear Atlantic City:

We know you’ve got problems — disappearing mayors, dead prostitutes, Pinnacle. But why in Jebus would you want to move the Knife & Fork? Forget that World War I monument — the Knife and Fork is a true AC landmark with in wacked out pink Flemish building, with its former speak easy status and that kick ass front bar. It’s the only thing worth looking at when you come into AC via the White Horse Pike. So leave it be, will you? Though we’re not too concerned knowing how things have been going of late. If the Borgata can’t even open its new tower by Memorial Day weekend, we can’t see how you guys will pull this one off. Ever.

Kisses,
Shoretalken

Related: On no you don’t.

Tommy Cheeseballs Has 2255 Friends On MySpace And Is Still Raging In Seaside Heights. You Got A Problem With That?

We cannot say what exactly made us think to go looking on MySpace for Tommy Cheeseballs. (And before we go any further, yes, he calls himself that.) I suppose you could say that we were pondering what makes a Shore Legend most. And in this case, Tommy, whom you may remember from the classic MTV True Life Jersey Shore episode, is a modern day Jersey GOD. And he’s still kickin’ it — Seaside Style, baby:

Some of my interests include: 1. Going down to “the Shore” every weekend during the summer. 2. Getting drunk on weak girly shots like kamikazes and sex on the beach at Temptations and Merge. 3. Cutting the line and threatening people at the cheeseball stand. 4. Waxing poetic about “the Shore” when I’m drilling through two foot thick concrete and freezing my ass off at my awful job during the dead of winter. 5. Insulting people by saying that they’re a member of the “dickie-do” club. That means that their stomach sticks out further than their dickie do.

Should we friend dude up? We kinda dickie-don’t dare.
MySpace: Tommy Cheeseballs

Atlantic City Update: The “ACES” Train Is My Hot Hot Sexy

· There is some kind of cosmic justice in the fact that, on an express train from New York City to Atlantic City, there is but one stop: Newark. Damned if we can fish out what it all means, though. You’ll have to wait until early ‘09, though, to find out for yourself. That’s when the “ACES” train starts running. Yes. It’s called the ACES TRAIN. [AP/AtlanticCityNJ]
· In vaguely related news, The Killers‘ August show at the Borgata sold out in the time it would take you to think to yourself that these young men should not even be allowed in the AC area, lest they steal so frightfully from Springsteen again. [YouTube]
· And finally: CSS — err, that would be Brazilian pop group/apparent neon BMX gang Cansei De Ser Sexy — is playing AC this summer. We have nothing to add except, yes. One thousand times yes. [NME]

Wildwood Stuck In Metaphysical Funk As Early Memorial Day Plays Mind Games With The Populace In General

Everything is open now — it has to be, seasons rage on, we cannot change back once the clicker has ticked forward — but it still feels strange. If you’d gone to the Wildwood Boardwalk as we did last Wednesday eve around 6pm, you’d be forgiven for thinking you’d accidentally stepped into the subconscious of Bruce Springsteen circa 1975. With Memorial Day weekend just hours away even then, the boards were populated with two categories: One we shall call, in deference to The Boss, “Madmen, Strummers & Bummers” and another we shall call, “People With Saws.” Touch-ups everywhere, a Waiting For Godot-esque feeling of some kind of pending activity, and whoever was in between, well, I think we all just fell into the former category by default. We saw arcades is alarming states of disrepair. We experienced ATM machines that were unplugged from their telephone lines. We saw two seagulls madly procreating just above a neglected t-shirt stand. It was dreamlike, and sad. And maybe there was a lesson here. You can build and fix and stroll and panhandle all you want from the Gods of the Sun: But you know what? You just can’t make summer come.

[Photo credit: Shoretalken Photo Desk]

Shoretalken Lost Beach Bums Desk: Dennis Wilson

Dennis Wilson: “Baby Blue Eyes” [mp3]
Note: If you see Dennis Wilson, do not fear or be alarmed by him. He is a gentle soul, and is now and has been since 1983 at one with the waves, rolling in, rolling out. For more, consult An Aquarium Drunkard.

Got a suggestion for great beach music? Tell us about it: shoretalken[at]gmail[dot]com.

First-Ever Top Ten Jersey Beaches List Hypes Up Some Out-Of-The-Way, Underground Place Called “Wildwood”

Wildwood, NJ, we’re loving your moxie these days. Time was — and by that we mean just a few years ago — if you’d have asked us what Best-Of lists Wildwood would appear on, we would have been like, “Hmm, let’s see: Places to Get Stabbed, Places to Get A Tattoo You May Not Even Remember Getting The Next Day, Places To Buy A Racist T-Shirt To Fit Any Racial Prejudice At All.” But not now, baby! Woo! Last Thursday, the New Jersey Marine Sciences Consortium announced its first-ever Top 10 Jersey Beaches list. And the voters have spoken. Now, the fact is, Wildwood only got 14% of the popular vote, making it something of the George W. Bush of NJ beaches. But you know what? We won’t quibble, George (and Wildwood) likes to party. Rest of the list after the jump.

Landshark Lager: The Least Distasteful Beer Of An Entire Generation Of Mutant Beach Juice

Landshark Lager: You probably only know about it if you’ve spent over $100 dollars in your life on things by, or related to, Jimmy Buffet. Which is a whole other conversation. But we’ll be honest: We’ve tried Miller Chelada. We’ve tried Bud Light Lime. We are no strangers to the mutant summer beer trend. And this is the only one that does not taste like Lime Dorito Dust sprinkled inside old flat beer in a Solo cup. Perhaps it’s the niche markets we’ve notice Landshark in as well, for there is a very prominent power of suggestion thing going on here: Come to think of it, we’ve never had one of these while wearing shoes. What beverage can we say that about? But anyway, yeah: Landshark Lager. Don’t be afraid of it. In some instances, it may even be the only smart choice.

Dept. Of Cover Bands: The Mysterious Power Of “Your Love”

We were standing around at The Princeton in Avalon the other night, waiting for “Live Band Karaoke” to begin. (Oh, you haven’t heard about this? It’s when a cover band sets up and instead of hearing the singer sing “Santaria” by Sublime, YOU get to do the honors. Never let it be said that Shoretalken is afraid of full straight-world immersion in the service of a post.) Anyway, the excitement was palpable in the room. And when Eleven Eleven took the stage to get the evening underway, what tune did they choose to put folks in the right frame of mind, you know, to set this Live Band Karaoke thing off right? Why, it’s quite obvious: “Your Love” by The Outfield. And suddenly, a thread began to emerge: We realized that every last Shore bar we’ve been to this year has pumped this jam, whether it be via DJ, cover band or karaoke. And we had to wonder: Why “Your Love?” Why now? And why does every cover band change the lyrics from “you know I like my girls a little a bit older” to “you know I like my girls a little a bit YOUNGER”? Because that, guys, is especially creepy. It just is. Stop it. Anyway, we really, really wanted to know why “Your Love” is howling down from 1985 all summer long, acting like it was “Lip Gloss” or “Umbrella.” Fortunately, the song’s Wikipedia page puts it all in recent-historical context…
… after the jump.